Grief

Grief 

Grief is a universal experience that we will all encounter in our lives. Grief is an emotion that follows a loss and can be difficult to process. Grieving happens on our own timelines and in very personal ways. Processing these thoughts and feelings before we can accept this new way of life is essential. There are obvious sources of grief, like losing a cherished family member or spouse, but we can lose different things, a job, a pet, a house, a way of life, and the list can go on. Sometimes, we don’t feel we have the right to grieve; some examples of this could be the loss of an ex-partner, a marriage, an abortion, or moving to a new community. We can get messages and cues from society or the people around us that our grief is unwarranted; this is called disenfranchised grief (Disenfranchised Grief: When No One Seems to Understand Your Loss), which can impede our recovery from the loss. It is essential to know that people feel loss differently, at different intensities, and for differing durations. No two people’s grief will be the same. You can move through grief. There are things to watch for and ways to cope with it.

The initial waves of grief can seem overwhelming. They will vary in length and intensity. The key here is to give yourself the time, space and permission to feel these emotions. It’s ok to be a mess. The firsts are the hardest: the first birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving or anniversary. Look to your supports for help with day-to-day tasks. In the beginning stages, therapy can help you make sense of things, guide you in the right direction, and help you reflect and connect with yourself.

One of the key components in moving through grief is allowing it to be seen by others (Grief - how to support the bereaved). It fosters connection, empathy, and the presence of other people allows for a sense of safety in its expression. People often feel alone when they grieve; this can make the process even harder and last longer.

Sometimes we grieve for reasons that might not make sense to ourselves or others. Lifestyle changes can be accompanied by grief, like leaving an abusive relationship or giving up an addiction (another kind of abusive relationship when you look at the addiction as if it were a person). These things/people were a part of life for a long time. Now they’re gone, and the space remains where they used to reside. Saying goodbye to such a substantial element of life can elicit many emotions, grief among them (How do I actively grieve my past?). Moving forward can be daunting, made more difficult by not dropping the anchor attaching us to the past. Remember, the past will not change, no matter how much we want it to. However, we can change what it means and alter our perception of what happened. This can help bring closure. And when forgiveness is unavailable, mentally shifting into a place of acceptance can be instrumental in alleviating grief. During this process, some people may not fully empathize with what is happening and offer criticism rather than support. It is up to you to decide whether to educate this person on why you feel the way you do or to discard their opinion. If you educate them, remember to do so with kindness and explain how you feel and why. If you discard their opinion, maintain your integrity while doing so. A rule I like to use is, If I wouldn’t ask you for advice, I won’t accept your criticism. Some people shouldn’t have the privilege of being able to offer advice. Not all opinions are good, thoughtful, accurate, or helpful.

These are just some of the different aspects of grief. It takes many forms, and there are many ways for an individual to learn to cope with it. The key is not to try to avoid grief. It will not go away. Remember, you can get through this and don’t need to do it alone. Robert Frost is credited with saying, “The only way out is through.” This is a great quote and profoundly applies to grief. On the other side of grief lies the rest of your life. Moving on doesn’t necessarily mean leaving something behind or forgetting it; moving on means finding a more comfortable way to carry it. You are strong enough.