Boundaries

I need to work on my boundaries. This is one of the more common statements I hear from my clients. Heck, it’s something I continue to work on myself. I can remember a time in my life when my boundaries were very weak. I allowed people to treat me very poorly. And when I think about it, my boundaries were weakest when I was most vulnerable. This is a common pairing I see with both myself and with my clients. Our boundaries are weak when we are. So how can we strengthen ourselves? How can we re-establish, rebuild, and reshape our boundaries to help us live better? Unfortunately, there’s no easy answer to this. It’s more about adopting a new constellation of new behaviours and perceptions that will enable us to have healthy boundaries and feel good and confident about holding to them.

Boundaries are crucial in our lives. They dictate how we choose to allow others to interact with us and how we choose to interact with them. How can we expect others to respect our boundaries if we don’t respect theirs? It’s unfair to ask someone to do something you are unwilling to do yourself. How do we set our boundaries? I have separated boundaries into three types, all of which are important. We need to find the things that make us feel safe. If we don’t feel safe, then little else matters. Our bodies and mind crave safety. Whatever boundaries you must set to feel safe should be the first addressed. Your physical, mental, and emotional well-being is paramount in building a happier life for yourself. One type of boundary is physical; we need to protect our physical body from harm, and putting boundaries in place is very important. Second is our emotional well-being. These boundaries center around respecting people’s emotional edges. Everyone has a different emotional body, this body has defined borders, and while some people may have emotional similarities, they are all different. It’s how we know where one person stops and the other starts. Respecting our emotional bodies is hugely important. The third type of boundary is sexual. This one is often difficult for people to talk about. Sex is taboo for some, but we don’t get anywhere if we don’t allow ourselves to deal with uncomfortable things. Having sexual boundaries is integral to a healthy and happy life. Knowing yourself and your body will help you determine the nature of your sexual relationships in a healthy way.

Healthy boundaries are created after the exploration of your core values. Your core values should be the building blocks from which these boundaries are constructed. Know that your core values will not be the same as other people’s, and that’s ok; not everyone is the same. Remember that setting boundaries is difficult if they are new boundaries, so be patient with yourself; you might not get it perfect on the first try. But you will get better over time. Like any new habit, it takes practice to do it well; the learning stages can be uncomfortable and weird. Embrace the weird. Everything is weird until we do it long enough to become normal. You can do this; it’s worth it, you’re worth it.