Communication

A few years ago, a client shared with me that he and his wife were having the same arguments repeatedly. This sometimes led to slamming doors and loudly doing the dishes. The silent treatment was also frequently deployed. He reported that these psychological and emotional bouts sometimes lasted weeks. When I asked him how he felt about these episodes, he said he felt alone and scared. These emotions often translated into anger.

Quite often, I told him, when people get scared, they get scary. He was ashamed to admit this was the case, and how he responded in these situations usually worsened things. It mostly ended in unresolved fights because the fundamental issues still needed to be addressed. 

One of the most common issues I see with my clients in intimate relationships is communication. Poor communication can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and fights. If left unchecked, these things can be corrosive, and eat away at a relationship until it dies. So, what's the solution? What does good communication look like, and where do you start? As much as we might like to think the people closest to us know us well enough to divine our moods, desires, and feelings, for the most part, they cannot. No one can read minds. Even our partners possess less of the picture than we probably imagine.

My mantra has always been to lead with love in all I do. Concerning communication, I can lead with love in a few fundamental ways. One is to get emotionally attuned to the other person and show empathy instead of sympathy. Empathy is to feel and relate to what the other person is going through. Empathy says I’m with you on this. In contrast, sympathy is to feel sorry for or pity someone. Sympathy, while often well-meaning, can create greater distance. Sympathy says I’m sorry that you’re going through that. It can leave a person feeling alone. I have yet to find someone who genuinely likes being pitied.

Another way to foster good communication is to respect your partner instead of trying to control them. One says I have confidence in you and trust you to make the right choice, and the other says I need to do this for you because I don’t trust you to do it right.

Acceptance instead of tolerance is another vital element of good communication. Tolerance and hate can co-exist; acceptance and hatred cannot. When we genuinely accept someone or something, we let go of judgment.

These are just a few ways to communicate healthier and more lovingly with your partner. This is what I suggest my clients do, not only in their intimate relationships but all their relationships. Clarity and respect in our actions and our words are paramount. We need to feel safe and secure when we ask for what we need and provide a safe environment to the people close to us so they can do the same.

Good communication is a physical, mental and emotional map of where we are. We cannot expect people to be able to read our minds. To say that someone should know how we're feeling or what we want is unfair. Think of a time that someone placed this expectation on you. How did their expectation make you feel? How did you react? In my experience, it provoked frustration, confusion, and sometimes anger. This mindset is a setup for disaster.

If I love you, I want to be able to find you when you need me. And if I need help, I want to be found. The only way we can find each other is with a map. Otherwise, we risk wandering blindly through unfamiliar territory, bumping into things, and hurting ourselves and each other.